SPAMWARS! – When I Become A Bit Too Creative

These few days, I feel I’ve got excessive creative energy. And so, I wrote a script. Based on a true story.

What really happened:

It was ayjk’s birthday. I called him in the middle of the night. Our conversation went something like this:

Me (deep voice): Hello, can I speak to ayjk?

ayjk: Hello. Is that you God?

Me (deep voice): Yea. Happy Birthday. I made you, you know.

ayjk: Oh, you know what, God? When I get home I’m gonna skin your arse

Me (deep voice): er.. Okay

I had previously commented in ayjk’s blog as God, trying to matchmake him with another girl, claiming it was time for Divine Intervention. All the while though, I made it clear it was actually me. It was all good fun.

Then after his birthday, he wrote an entry regarding his birthday in his blog. As part of another joke, I commented as Hormel, the God of Spam. Then he replied that he liked another brand of luncheon meat better. I replied (as Chewxy) that SPAM was salty. This angered Hormel (also played by me), who posted angry messages. What happened next was a ping-pong of replies (all played by me).

After a while though, I re-read thru all the replies that I made, and thought they were funny. So I rewrote them into a script. And SPAMWARS! was born.

Download SPAMWARS: The Script here!

SPAMWARS by Chewxy is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 Australia License.

Though I think there are many possible cinematic moments with the scenes, I don’t think I’ll go ahead and produce this movie. In fact, I think I risk being sent a Cease and Desist order by Hormel by posting this up. Hopefully they don’t. SPAM is nice. I like SPAM. SPAMSPAMSPAM. I don’t mean to portray Hormel as a negative entity at all. It’s all for good fun and parody. I understand that SPAM has quite a liberal policy on the usage of its name. I hope they continue to upkeep this liberality.

That said, I encourage anyone to make a movie out of this script. As long as you attribute the scriptwriter. And I hope someone will make a decently shot one, instead of the lame YouTube home movies we see.

My pick for actors for this movie:

• Dom DeLuise for Hormel, God of Spam (in fact, when I was writing, all I could think of is Caesar from History of the World Part I)
• Hayden Christensen for The Hero (for obvious reasons, though I did base him on Greek heroes, and the cast from Troy did come in mind)
• Toby Maguire/Topher Grace for The Blogger (for the nerdy look)
• Dustin Hoffman for Tedium (with only ONE LINE!!)
• Some random forgettable face as Kaos (for obvious reasons too)
• Dan Castellaneta as Homer J. S. (also for obvious reasons)

There you go! Have fun!