I was an angry man yesterday. And most of this morning too. Anger – it was a feeling that I haven’t felt in years. The white-hot feeling of burning inside me, wanting to Force Choke somebody. I was angry to the point that my hands were shaking. I could feel my blood turn to venom – literally, even my own blood tasted bitter (I bit my lips when talking, resulting in a giant ulcer today).

I haven’t felt this angry for the better part of two years already. In part, it’s because of a special girl I met, whom I shall call PS – she basically muted all forms of anger within me. But yesterday, it seemed that none of that matter, and I just wanted to hurt somebody.

I have been annoyed in many occasions since 2 years ago, but never angry. I may have raised my voice, but never my heartbeat. Yesterday was different. I was acutely aware that my heartbeat was rising, and my neurones were firing away at a very rapid rate. A comparable description would be that I could feel my stomach acids boiling (figuratively of course – the feeling is due to increased blood circulation), and all I wanted to do is to inflict as much pain onto someone as possible. A sensation that I thought was long purged from me returned. But it was an interesting re-learning experience.

The cause of anger was inconsequential – someone (call him Weasel, since he is acting like one) of which whom I had no affiliations with spread misinformation about me and my projects, compromising a lot of things that I have done, and a lot of my plans, sowing distrust among my closest allies. I don’t even know that person that well, seeing that we’ve only met up once. Ah, but sometimes it’s that one-off acquaintance that will get you killed. And I was angry that his misinformation and lies brought my project entirely to a halt. My closest friends and allies are quibbling amongst one another thanks to that as well. If anything, I was utmostly angry that I couldn’t get things done since he had spread distrust amongst them.

Nonetheless, he’s inconsequential. Anger, as it turns out, is a good lesson. It affects the mind, and the human mind, being a self-rationalizing one, will not see it as anger. I spent most of last night rationalizing the actions taken by Weasel, and I told myself I wasn’t angry. Lovely self-deception. It worked for most of the day today. I told myself that I am not affected by this emotion called anger. And yet, all the actions I took from last night to this morning were a consequence of my own anger, and in analyzing the facts of my action, it’s undeniable that I was angry.

You know, they have this phrase ‘paralyzed by anger’? Well, this was precisely what I felt. I was supposed to do something this morning (i.e. fill in some claims and stuff), but I didn’t do it. Instead, I wallowed in my own anger, all the while telling myself I’m not angry (wow, is this blog post yet another form of self-deception?)

What made me aware of my own anger was that I sold my stocks this morning – at a tremendous loss. My normal mind would have told me to wait for the price to bounce back up as I thought it would (it did, just an hour ago) before I sold it. But in the mire of fury, the mind doesn’t wait. Mistakes are made. And lessons are learnt.

It’s an interesting thing, anger. Last night, I was planning ways to get into Weasel’s house and beat the shit out of him. This morning, I was planning to induce a lot of pain in his life – starting with a loss of his career, followed by a perpetual inability to find a job… and so on and so forth. Pretty curious, the fact that I can think up of the most cruel ways to hurt somebody without actually lifting a finger to do anything. Also, it afforded an insight to the deepest, darkest parts of my mind, the parts which I am actively denying and censoring.

Thank goodness I made that stupid call to sell my stocks. First reaction after receiving the email notice that my stocks are sold was “HOLY SHIT, WHAT DID I JUST DO”. Now, there is peace. My projects have been compromised – but that ain’t gonna stop me. I’m still going to continue it.

Whatever Mouse did, I’m not going to bother. His karma can catch up with him later (or if you don’t believe in karma, then call it divine retribution; and if you still don’t believe in that, its all right ). To me, whatever Weasel’s intentions were in spreading misinformation and compromising my projects, is unimportant. For all I (do not) know, he may have told it with good intentions. So it was inappropriate to be angry.

I learnt a few things post being angry though. While my anger may be directed at one person, it came from nowhere (i.e. me being angry was a product of the mind), and as such, the anger didn’t have a right to exist. Also, I learnt I was very good at self-deception and rationalization. And getting angry also meant I was unsuccessful in purging my anger. It is an ongoing proccess, but largely unsuccessful.

Oh well. I’d say, good lesson learnt.

There you go. The counter reset . Now off I go to salvage my project.

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