So.. Google launched their own satellite, with a GeoEye 1 camera on board. Think of all the things they can do now. As one commenter on Valleywag said, just attach a Advanced Tactical Laser, and you practically have a low powered Death Star waiting to kill anyone with pinpoint accuracy.

You see, our spies have located the plans for Google’s mind domination.

The data brought to us by the Yahooligan spies pinpoint the exact location of the Google Mind Control Towers¹ (what do you think powers the Google MentalPlex). We also know that their main weapons systems are not yet operational. But most important of all, we have learnt that Larry and Sergei, and Eric and Marissa will be personally overseeing the final parts of this construction.

Many Yahooligans died to bring us information. Admiral Ackbar, please.

Ahem. Admiral Ackbar here. Take evasive actions! Green group, stick close to holding sector MV-7! IT’S A TRAP!

Anyways, we have discovered that Google’s Mind Domination works by using EM-Waves to manipulate our brain. When you feel like searching for porn, its because Google is telling you to look for it.

So, in light (haha) of newfound paranoia, I show you my latest invention: the Tin Foil Hat!

Early tests (shown above) shows that the Tin Foil hat is able to withstand some pretty strong lasers

You could of course, protect your brain by wearing a Faraday cage - that is to say, a bunch of copper mesh. But copper mesh is heavy, so the tin-foil hat would just have to do then. It approximates a Faraday cage, and also, because it’s reflective, if Google decides to use their soon-to-be-attached Tactical Laser on you, you will be able to deflect most of the laser beam away. It might not be able to withstand the heat caused by a giant laser, so some research into some heat proofing materials (think ceramics) would be needed.

Model V, wearing the tin-foil hat. His porn-googling rate dropped by 60% since donning the Tin-Foil hat

Also, the best part is, this tin foil hat will not stop those EM-waves that Google sends to ask you to google for that bondage porn you’ve always wanted to look for - simply because Google sends those waves at a very low frequency², though research has found it to reduce the amount of time you Google for porn, increasing productivity. So, as you can see, the Tin Foil Hat is a benefit!

True, if you wear the tin foil hat out, you’d more likely be spotted by Google’s satellites. But like wearing shiny clothings to a store with infra-red cameras, you’ll appear like a ghost³. Ah, but when Google decides to death star laser you out of the way, you’ll have something to protect you (alternatively you could wear Archemedies’ reflective mirror weapon).

And of course, when you’re done with the tin foil hat, you can use it to bake cake. And then there will be cake. There will be absolutely no chance of a dangerous equipment malfunction prior to your victory candescence.

1. it must be noted that one of Red Alert 2’s engineers used to be good friends with Larry and Sergei, and incorporated their ideas into RA2. Of course, after that, he was never heard of again [↩]
2. v = fλ for those who did basic physics, and d = 1/β for those E&E people. [↩]
3. proof that I watch way too much CSI. Because obviously that’s nonsense [↩]

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